Finally, Training for Pastor's Wives!

 Warning:  Before reading this, please note that it is another "Lark News" article.  It's sarcastic, it's funny, it's meant to be laughed at.  For those of my readers who are pastor's wives... enjoy!!  For the rest of you, you can enjoy it too... and then pray for the rest of us! :)


"LAFAYETTE — This Fall, King of King's College welcomed its first candidates for a groundbreaking minor in pastor's wiving, the first such degree offered in the country.
    "After years of grasping in the dark, pastors' wives can now get all the knowledge they need in one place," says professor Helen DuLac, the minor's director.
    The college created the degree in response to complaints from female Christian college students that they receive an overabundance of "book learning," but comparatively little practical help for their eventual careers as pastor's wives.
    "With a normal degree, I may learn a few facts about the first-century church," says Debbie Kraus, 19. "But what good is that when my women's ministry group wants me to lead them in making a cute and clever seasonal craft?"
    The minor doesn't require any academic courses.
    "To be a pastor's wife you don't have to speak Greek and Hebrew, just be able to listen to it with an expression of sincere interest," says DuLac.
    In the chapel on the King of King's campus, twelve well-dressed female students sit on the front pew, their hair perfectly groomed, their nails painted a modest pink. Bibles are open on each lap. Though nobody is preaching and the room is all but empty, they nod and smile in silence, occasionally throwing in a demure "That's right" or "Amen." Finally, an instructor with a stopwatch yells, "Time's up!"
    The students collapse in their seats, rubbing their necks and cheek muscles.
    "We have to do that every Sunday?" one asks.
    "And Wednesdays, and special events," groans another.
    These aspiring ministerial mates are learning how to smile pleasantly in the face of devastating criticism, how to lead women's ministry groups rife with in-fighting and how to worship in demonstrative yet non-offensive ways, appropriate to their church setting.
    The professors take pride in "getting real" about pastor's wiving.
    "They'll have to deal with whiny women seeking marriage advice they won't ever use. Children who go through extreme rebellion; board members who accuse them of secretly controlling the pastor, and being called the 'b word' on occasion," says DuLac. "Our saying is, 'Slay 'em and smile.' This is more than a career. It's all-out war with your congregation."
    Students must keep tight emotional control in the midst of intense scrutiny. In the classroom they must be instantly ready to sing a solo or give a "good word" of support for their husband. Bonus credit is given to those who, while testifying, can oscillate quickly from tender tears to godly resolve — all while displaying utmost femininity.
    "I never thought it would be this tough," says one student after a grueling craft-making mid-term. "Maybe I should be a schoolteacher." •

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