"...you keep doin' that it'll never heal..."

I'm doing it again... re-opening old wounds, just as they were starting to heal (or so I thought).  My mother used to get after me when I would pick a scab.  "It will never heal if you keep picking at it!"
It's been 2 years since we were in the midst of a lot of really crappy stuff that ended in the death of our church, the death of dreams and coincided with the death of my father.   We've worked through a lot, but still find things coming up that either rip open the old wound or make me just pick and pick and the scab comes off (gross, I know. Sorry).  I really do want to heal and move on.  (I really do!)
I know and understand and believe that God is sovereign and that He knows all things.  He knew, when He called us here to California (10 years ago this Fall) what would take place.  Yet, still, He called us.  We came.  We have learned some things through what we have suffered but still don't understand "why".  Maybe it's not important, I just want to know.  I struggle with the whole "if God knew __________________, then couldn't He have prevented it?"  But then, what if we need to learn some things and be more dependent on God through the things we have experienced.  I keep coming back to the words of a fairly new song "Blessings" by Laura Story.

"When friends betray us,
When darkness seems to win we know,

the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home.
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy."

Some day  - when we're "HOME" we'll understand and maybe it won't even matter.  Even Jesus learned obedience through the things He suffered.  He understands and (I guess) wants me to just cling more closely to Him.  Jesus forgave.  He tells us to bless and pray for those who hurt us.  Maybe they really don't "know what they do".  Sigh. 
Next time something happens to bring it all back to my memory I hope I can just pray, forgive, trust God and leave that stupid scab alone so I will heal. 

I Wear the Cone of Shame

I hate to admit it, but I lied.
We were in a panic this morning because our dog licenses expired today.  In order to renew dog licenses you have to have current rabies vaccinations.  We needed to get all three dogs "shot" and there were no openings today.  So, "someone" (whom I will not name) suggested that I just go and fill in the forms and put the Rabies vaccination expiration date as next summer... "they never ask for those forms anyway".
I went to City Hall, filled in the forms, faked the expiration date for the vaccines, handed the forms back and she asked for the proof of vaccination.  (ugh!)  I (ashamedly) told her the truth, that we are getting our dogs in next week and can't we get the licenses today?  No, got to get the vet to fill in the forms and then come back next week.  Turns out we have until the end of July to get their licenses renewed.
I hate to lie.  I detest dishonesty.  And yet, I did it... I lied on an official government form (and got caught).   I shall not leave the house the rest of today... I wear the cone of shame.

Time with my kids.... priceless!

So, this is how my day went....
8:30 - 11:00 - Piano students (got paid by 2 of them!)
11:15 - Checked online bank account to see how much my "paycheck" will be from the school district.  Found out it was more than I expected (!).  Made a shopping (grocery) list.
12:15 - Re-heated random leftovers for lunch - the cupboards are officially bare.
1:15 - Practiced with 2 gals who are going to sing the National Anthem for our local fireworks celebration on July 4th.
2:00 - Went by the church where we both work part time... got our checks for this month. Went home and finished my grocery list.
3:30 -  Went to the bank, deposited checks, got out some money and went straight to the store.
4:00 - With my 4 kids (3 teens and one pre-teen) we divided up the list, checked prices, shopped wisely and got out the there with $11 change.
5:00 - As a reward, we stopped at A&W for 6 "Slushies" (got one for Jim, too) and spent $10.37 of our change.  :)
5:15 - Home, unloaded and put away groceries then indulged in our Slushies (only 2 points on Weight Watchers!).
Best part of the day (aside from getting paid, which is always nice) -  spending time with my kids.  Not only do I love them, I like them a lot!!  
They are such fun!  I am truly blessed!
Good day today!

"I thank God whom I serve, as did my ancestors, with a clear conscience, as I remember you constantly in my prayers night and day.  As I remember your tears, I long to see you, 

that I may be filled with joy.   I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well."  

(2 Timothy 1:3-6)

We recently went to a family reunion for my husband's side of the family.  Not only was it just a plain old fun time (Playing "Mad Gab" until midnight... touring Amish Country, eating in an Amish Home and seeing a production of "Joseph" at the "Sight and Sound") it was a really enriching time of learning about family history and spiritual heritage.  My husband shared some thoughts from Scripture about passing on our Spiritual heritage to our children and related how much he had learned from his parents and grandparents.  I was so impressed and proud to learn about the Spiritual heritage of my husband's family.  My husband (Jim) joked at first about "Family Inheritance" instead of Family Heritage (and how there won't be much "inheritance"!) but concluded with the truth that Spiritual Heritage is far more important and long-lasting.  We are, by far, richer in our Christian heritage than many (or most) are in worldly wealth. 

One Reason for Sorrow

June 25, 2011 - "My Utmost for His Highest" - Oswald Chamber

. . . what shall I say? ’Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this purpose I came to this hour. ’Father, glorify Your name’ —John 12:27-28

As a saint of God, my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow. Our Lord received Himself, accepting His position and realizing His purpose, in the midst of the fire of sorrow. He was saved not from the hour, but out of the hour.
We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them.
Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow. Why it should be this way is immaterial. The fact is that it is true in the Scriptures and in human experience. You can always recognize who has been through the fires of sorrow and received himself, and you know that you can go to him in your moment of trouble and find that he has plenty of time for you. But if a person has not been through the fires of sorrow, he is apt to be contemptuous, having no respect or time for you, only turning you away. If you will receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.

Thankful for (almost) nothing.

There's something wonderful about having very little.  When we have (almost) nothing, we pray and ask God to supply our needs... we count pennies (802 to be exact!), we re-use things we would have thrown away, we begin to be more creative, AND, we are more thankful!  We're thankful for saving, we're thankful for fresh zucchini and plums and the friends who supplied them, we're thankful for the jobs we do have when so many are out of work.  God is faithful.  He works in ways we cannot see.  He causes us to look to Him.  This is good.

We qualify

"God makes miracles out of what seems insignificant:  fragile faith, a little kindness and ordinary people."  

- from "Our Daily Bread" June 21, 2011

What dream did God give you?

There it was again.   God keeps gently yet persistently telling me the same thing... over and over and over.   Forgiveness is powerful. 
We are in Lancaster, PA for a family reunion.  It's been wonderful (aside from a very sore back) and we have had a great time seeing (and even meeting!) family members from my husband's mom's side of the family.  Part of what the reunion included was a showing of "Joseph" at the Sight and Sound Theater nearby.  The story of Joseph from Genesis (in the Bible) is one of my favorites.  Joseph, the favorite of Jacob's 12 sons, has a dream of what God has for him to be and do.  He tells his brothers this dream (of them all bowing down to him... it doesn't go over well) and is sold into slavery by these brothers.  He is taken to Egypt where, because of his trust in God and his steadfastness - AND because of God's faithfulness, he rises to the #2 position in all of Egypt.  While there, a famine arises in the land.  Joseph had been put in charge of saving grain for the famine that God told him would come.  People come from other lands to buy food... including Joseph's brothers.  Given the opportunity to punish his brothers when they come (they don't recognize him) Joseph instead forgives them.  "You meant it for evil.  God meant it for good".  (Genesis 50:20).  BAM!  Got me again.  The power of forgiveness.  It's the only thing that frees us.  Joseph chose to forgive his brothers instead of taking vengeance on them.  He knew that God had given him a dream.... and all that happened (being sold into slavery, being put into prison falsely, etc) all helped to bring about God's plan... God's dream for Joseph and Joseph's dream for God.
Jim and I sat there crying watching the end of the story again.  We watched as the brothers embraced and God's people were saved.  We cried knowing that God has given us dreams too, and we will trust Him that He knows what He's doing.  We will forgive because that is also part of God's plan.  We will continue to believe in the dreams God has given us.
What dream did God give you?

Piper, Carson, and Keller on Sustaining the Covenant of Marital Love

Piper, Carson, and Keller on Sustaining the Covenant of Marital Love

In a few days we will be participating in a wedding. We've been meeting with them for several months and have enjoyed SO much watching them grow in their love for each other and seeing their desire to honor God in their lives together! I found this link on a friends' Facebook page. Sadly, her marriage is in a really rough spot. We know of three other couples (Christians, former colleagues, missionaries) whose marriages are either in serious trouble or have failed. This little "snippet" of a discussion with Piper, Carson and Keller or marriage is good. Jim and I have been married 20 1/2 years. We have changed... both of us, but what doesn't change is the promises we made to each other 20 1/2 years ago. My hope and prayer is that for this couple getting married on Saturday (who, by the way, have wonderful examples in both sets of parents!!) will not only last, but flourish, blossom and grow - to the glory of God, for many decades... till death parts them or Jesus comes back.

Those Were the Days

I've been taking an extended trip down memory lane.  There are now two channels that show old TV shows (M*A*S*H, Hogan's Heroes, Bonanza, Get Smart, All in the Family, The Monkees, etc...) and one channel that shows old movies.  We're thoroughly enjoying watching shows we watched when we were, uhm, younger.  On top of that, I was listening to a radio station that plays oldies (103.3 fm).   I don't know, but I think there really is a trend toward "throw-backs".   At stores I see "throw-back" cans and bottles of soda, T-shirts with old slogans... 
My guess is (and it's only a guess) that with things changing so fast in the world around us that we long for simpler times.  For me, watching these shows, hearing the music and seeing sights from 40+ years ago give me a calm sense of security in the midst of so much change and so much uncertainly.   I'm lovin' it.

"The Others"

I just got back from a Baccalaureate service (church service for High School seniors) in the town next to ours.  Two of the Mt Whitney choral groups sang for it.  We also had a duet by one of our students and our teacher.  She (they) sang a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I blogged about that song a few weeks ago. 
The speaker was Melchor Carrillo, the choral director from Redwood High School.  He did an amazing job!  His title was "The Others".  It was taken from Hebrews 11.  The first part of the chapter talks about the great heroes of the faith, who raised people from the dead, saw the walls of Jericho fall down, had babies at over 90 years old, etc.  Those are the kinds of stories we like.  Then, toward the end of the chapter we read about "the others"... those who were not success stories.  The Christian life is not always success and glory. 

 " ...There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.
 ^39-40Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours"  Hebrews 11:32-38

In and through all these things we must continue to trust in the wisdom and perspective of God, who sees all things, knows all things, and  - even though it doesn't look like it, loves us.
I must go back to the lyrics of the song that was sung tonight:

"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plead
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise."

-Laura Story

i ________

Jim and I went out to the store this afternoon.  He was wearing his iPray shirt.  I was wearing my iPiano shirt (of which I have no picture... yet.).  No one commented until we were checking out and then the grocery bagger asked about our shirts.   Our choral director has an iDirect shirt (pictured here).   We thought about wearing our shirts to church tomorrow.  After all, I play the piano every Sunday.  Jim preaches (and prays) at church.  

We were talking about how interesting it would be if others at church had shirts according to what they do.  There could be  "iTeach", "iUsher", "iServe", and then there might be, "iGossip", "iComplain", etc.  

Wow, what if we all had shirts that defined what we do?  Scary thought.