Thursday, June 30, 2011

" keep doin' that it'll never heal..."

I'm doing it again... re-opening old wounds, just as they were starting to heal (or so I thought).  My mother used to get after me when I would pick a scab.  "It will never heal if you keep picking at it!"
It's been 2 years since we were in the midst of a lot of really crappy stuff that ended in the death of our church, the death of dreams and coincided with the death of my father.   We've worked through a lot, but still find things coming up that either rip open the old wound or make me just pick and pick and the scab comes off (gross, I know. Sorry).  I really do want to heal and move on.  (I really do!)
I know and understand and believe that God is sovereign and that He knows all things.  He knew, when He called us here to California (10 years ago this Fall) what would take place.  Yet, still, He called us.  We came.  We have learned some things through what we have suffered but still don't understand "why".  Maybe it's not important, I just want to know.  I struggle with the whole "if God knew __________________, then couldn't He have prevented it?"  But then, what if we need to learn some things and be more dependent on God through the things we have experienced.  I keep coming back to the words of a fairly new song "Blessings" by Laura Story.
"When friends betray us,
When darkness seems to win we know,
the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home.
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy."
Some day  - when we're "HOME" we'll understand and maybe it won't even matter.  Even Jesus learned obedience through the things He suffered.  He understands and (I guess) wants me to just cling more closely to Him.  Jesus forgave.  He tells us to bless and pray for those who hurt us.  Maybe they really don't "know what they do".  Sigh. 
Next time something happens to bring it all back to my memory I hope I can just pray, forgive, trust God and leave that stupid scab alone so I will heal. 

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